I hope this message finds you well!

I’ve been in a self induced Ben Harper/Mary J/My Life coma for a few weeks now. Please excuse my absence. You know there are times when there are no solutions, only more dilemmas that come to light. Since my recent hiatus, as always, I’ve had an epiphany or two! Hey I wouldn’t be crazy, thinking, feeling, impulsive me if I didn’t. Now would I? Anyway, a few weeks ago I was blessed enough to see one of my closest friends marry in her words, her “best friend.” As a person who, for some time, has struggled to figure out what love is, I got a step closer to figuring it out because I got to see it on Saturday, May 12th, in a chapel in the woods! And I am forever, changed.

Since the dawn of modern man, people have been trying to sort this Love shit out. And with little to no success, I might add! There are so many efffin stories about what love feels like and how it should work, and how it sneaks up on you, and a bunch of other crap that I don’t wanna hear. Anyway, I know one thing, thanks to my brave friend & her nu hubbie; I know what it looks like. Love is easy. It’s comfortable. Love is infectious. And it is forgiving. Love is about laughing at the dumb stuff that you do (together). Love is never having to wonder, because you already know, or are soon filled in. Love is running together and giving each other hi5’s as you past one another, in a race back to the house. It’s taking a canoe ride together, while you hope your crazy dog won’t jump out the boat. Love is knowing that you’ve found the person you want to grow old with. Love is being brave enough to tell your best friend that you’re a better person because they are in your life. And Love can be seamless and effortless, when it’s right.

Anyway, all my pontificating on identifying love aside, I’m now on a quest to “Be Happy.” I know I’ve said this before, but it’s true. I mean, I meant it before too, but I really mean it this time! I’m in need of a Spring/Summer life house-cleaning. Don’t know where any of this will lead, but I know I don’t wanna be a dark, brooding, New Yorker for one more minute! I’m from the Midwest dammit!! I’m supposed to be (& use to be) happy!!! And since I can’t be happy there (the Midwest), I’ll make my happiness right here in the NYC! Even if it kills me, I’m gonna be happy.

Until.

Some things happen divinely! I came across this & thought I’d share. Words that I’m trying to live by!!

“For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin—real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. . .” –Fr. Alfred D’Souza

It’s been a long month! I must say, March almost kicked my ass! Quick update: tried Yoga again w/ different instructor @ different place. It’s not for me. Random info: its official, my nu favorite artist is Amy Winehouse! She seems to be mixed with the right kind of crazy—similar to me! If you get the chance, buy her CD—you won’t regret it!

Anyway, on to the chaos that is my life. As you know, I’m all about introspection and epiphanies. I’m always searching for some deeper meaning behind each word, action, or occurrence (and even thought). I guess that’s why I spent 3 years as a Psych major? Anyway, after an incident or two recently, I’ve created a Manifesto (of sorts) for myself. I know it’s crazy! So what? It was a long ass month. Just humor me and read it!!!

It’s official! As of this day, I am officially (since its official) done with the following things:

I’m done with jobs that I hate. Spending all day with people I can’t stand. Leisure activities that feel more like a full time job. In particular, Yoga. Rude people. Stupid men. Long lines. Bitchy customer service reps. Boring dates—why bother, just go home. Stupid men. Loud neighbors. Washing dishes. Closet apartments. Cloudy days. Stupid men. Vacationing in “The City” who am I kidding, I need to escape NYC! Malicious friends. Ignorant people. Sunday evenings—because it means that Monday and work are on the way. Summer, because it’s not long enough! And Winter because it comes too soon! Stupid men. Transparent people. Crowded trains. Grumpy people—that shit is contagious! Keep it to yourself! Cold nights. First kisses, because there are far too few that really count anymore! Soup—to be honest I always hated it. Why not add it to THE LIST? Bad liars. Stupid men. Objectification. Discrimination. Assumptions. Generalizations. Compromising. Failure. Stupid men. Fairy Tales. Weak minds. Call waiting-its starting to get on my nerves. Carry out—but I hate cooking too, so I guess its here to stay! Pretending to like people. Simple minds. Waiting for them to get theirs. And what’s going around to come back around to those people. Trying to be a psychic. Vicious dogs. Dairy—I’m lying. I’m an addict! Bad movies. Stupid men. And ironically enough complaining!?!?

Until.

Why must my life be so damn ridiculous? Why I ask? Why?

Well, like most New Yorkers I’m on this new kick to become enlightened/destress/get healthy/occupy my free time—what ever! So, I decided to begin with Yoga! I’ve had a membership to a gym (one of the best in the city I hear) for over a year—and have never used it! I know it’s shameful, but I’m trying to be better, since I’m now living my 32nd year of life! Anyway, I sign up for this into to yoga class. I buy my mat. Got my cute and comfortable yoga pants. And I finally make it into that building, ready to “get my yoga on!”

As soon as this class begins, immediately I sense trouble!! As she turns the lights off and turns on soft music, she wants to clarify that this is an Intro to Yoga Class. “Yes!” We agree. Then she walks ten feet away (other side of the room) and gets on the floor and starts running off a grocery list full of directions. Okay. I’ll share. I have an auditory processing disorder. That means that I can hear, but it takes my mind a little bit of time to sort out the information and understand what I’m hearing. As a result of my auditory processing disorder, I have difficulty following (understanding) multi-step directions. My brain just don’t work that way! I’ve been living with this for years and have developed a few survival techniques that get me by. This is why I’m a master at lip reading!

Anyway, lip reading may be difficult tonight, since I have to take my glasses off so I don’t break them. As this chick is across the room, on the floor, in the dark speaking at warp speed I’m trying my damnedest to follow! I can’t read or understand a word that this woman is saying! I’m stretching and bending and trying to keep up. But I can’t understand shit she’s saying, so I’m trying to watch what everybody else is doing, and then do that. The only problem with this method is that, in yoga, you don’t just face ONE direction! So, I’m facing and trying to keep up, when all of a sudden, it becomes apparent to me that everybody’s now facing in my direction! This means that I should now be facing the wall next to me, and not the class! Damnit! I turn quickly. Just then (and just 10 minutes into the class, mind you), a tall lean man walks by carrying his shoes and yoga mat, and exits the door and class! Okay. He’s done.

Ooohhhmmmm!!

I’m still trying though. After a few minutes of facing the wall, I figure I should turn to see what “we’re” doing now. Okay. Now my body should be flat on the mat? Face flat too? Okay. Again, I can’t see what we’re doing. Oh! Up again! Now I’m what? What? Put my feet where? I don’t think I’m made for doing that. I mean I could try, but maybe after a drink or something! For the next 20 minutes or so I continue to struggle to follow this damn class, which seemed like such a great idea just a few hours ago. In the meantime, two more people (both women) collect their belongings-shoes, coats, and mats, then leave—mid downward facing dog!!

Ooohhhmmmm!!

Our “instructor” doesn’t even pause as these people walk past her. She doesn’t even look in their direction. Did I mention to you that as she’s running off these directions she’s throwing in all sorts of yoga jargon-as if we beginners know what the hell she’s talking about! Right now I’m feeling like I’m back at my freshman year of college. My first into to philosophy or into to psych class! You remember those weeder courses! They were designed to be extremely difficult, just to “weed out” the weaker students so that they would drop the course. First few days of ‘em, I didn’t know what the hell was going on! I’m back at that place now. Was there some required reading that I was supposed to do before I got here? Cause I don’t know what the hell she is talking about! Every few moves (that I’m still unable to follow) she throws in some more Yoganese! I have no idea what this woman is saying!!!!

Ooohhhmmmm!!

Time is passing. And I’m pissed!! Omy! Obviously, so is this fourth woman who walks past me out the door with her coat and gym bag w/yoga mat in hand! What the hell is going on? I should leave now too! But damnit, my shoes are across the room (why didn’t I keep them next to me) and I would disturb that woman who probably thinks I’m attracted to her, since I’ve been staring at her since this class began. Without my glasses on I can barely see anything, so I’ve just been trying to watch the woman in front of me to see what she does. On more than one occasion, when I should have been facing the back wall with my head between my legs, or pretzeled to my left, that woman found me staring at her. I know she thinks I want her. Sorry, wrong! I just want to know what the hell is going on. She has no idea I’m just using her as an illustration, since our “instructor” doesn’t give a damn! Okay. I’m a teacher, and I know a bad teacher when I see one! This chick is a horrible teacher!!! She may be good at her craft, but she’s lousy at teaching it!!! She has to know that half of this group is barely keeping up, if at all!

For the last 5 or 10 minutes of the class, she has us laying completely flat on our mats, in the dark just focusing on our breathing.

Finally, class over! I’m so pissed off! I gather my shoes and mat and head for the elevator. I get on w/ two other women who were in the class. As the elevator door closes, taking us up to the locker room, the young one says. “I’m pissed! This wasn’t a Into to Yoga Class! This was way too hard!” The older lady shakes her head in agreement. “I thought it was just me!” I say to them. “Nope!” They both respond. The young one says, “I wanted to walk out mid class. I should have!”

This night, others share in my ridiculousness! I am not alone! I feel slightly better as I walk home, a little looser, but still pissed off. Will I go back next week? Hell to the no!

Ooohhhmmmm!!

So my upstairs neighbors are definitely trying to run me out of my apartment of almost 5 years!!! They have “accidentally” flooded my apt. via the ceiling twice in one year, causing major water damage. The most recent time, they even managed to soak half of my sofa!! Jack Asses! These are grown ass men! Who the hell, forgets and leaves the shower running or the h2o in the kitchen sink running??? Who does that? Apparently these asses do. But wait, this isn’t the worst of their infractions! For the past two months (and I’ll remind you they’ve been here for almost a year) someone up there has been sitting in that effin apartment smoking cigarettes all damn day & night!!! By the time I get home my crib smells like a damn saloon! I can’t effin breath; I gotta keep my windows open to get fresh air, burn candles and spray Febreeze! And I HATE the smell of cigarettes, DAMN IT! They are also the loudest effin people ever—at the most inopportune times!! At like 3 or 4 in the effin AM they’re loud as hell, with all types of floor traffic, furniture moving, and sex sounds! I swear, I think they make pornos up there! Did I mention that my Uggs were stolen just a month or so after they moved in (check last March’s posts)? I know they had something to do with it! I am so sure that this is a conspiracy against me. I don’t really know why they’d wanna run me outta here but they are definitely effin with me!

I’m wondering is this the sign I’ve been waiting for to tell me its time to move? I mean, I’ve been saying since I got here I needed more space. I mean I live in a box. I’m not complaining, don’t get me wrong, some people don’t have a box of their own (see last post). I just know that I would enjoy having a bit more space in my daily life. Since I don’t have a lot of it at home it seems that I’m always on this quest to enjoy it while I’m not at the crib. I’ve taken some serious steps to try to acquire “personal space,” including sneezing and coughing, falling asleep and ignoring people. I’m sorry! I admit it. I was wrong and am ashamed! I blame it all on my lunatic neighbors though (who happen to be filming right now! As I type! With their Loud ASSES!)! It’s all their fault!

Anyway, speaking of space, about a month ago I read an article in the New York Times about personal space. It was talking about City Dwellers being on this never ending quest for more space. Subway rides, conversations, bathroom stalls, post office lines, and park benches are just a few places that people (especially New Yorkers are demanding more personal space—and room to breathe. This hit very close to home since, I’ve been on a mission for a few months now for the perfect seat on the Metro North (the commuter train that I use daily-for non NYC area folks). For me, the perfect seat for me would mean, personal space—no elbow to elbow or knee to knee touching, nobody in my face, and maybe a window. I’m really not asking for much! Anyway, each day I hop on grab my seat, and hope that no space invader will soon come and attempt to violate me with their personal cell conversation, morning breath, body weight, or just overall annoying ass! Please don’t get me wrong! I don’t want you to think that I don’t like people or something. (Well! To be honest, some days I don’t!) To borrow from one of my favorite shows still, “People are the worst!” I know that makes me sound miserable. So what? It’s nothing I can do about it. It’s the truth!! Some days I just don’t like people. Some days I’d prefer to just be left alone—in my own space, in my own skin. But you know it never happens that way! Those are the days when every lunatic in every effin borough & surrounding county seems to have it out for you!

Prime example, last winter, I’m on the train on my way to work (a job which I later quit-long story, for another post), not feeling the best about my day ahead, and not looking forward to the lunatic adults that I was getting ready to have to deal with. So the train is packed, it’s rush hour of course, but luckily I find one seat! One stop after I get on this chemically impaired woman gets on the train after physically pushing this woman out of the way that was trying to exit the train. She’s yelling and cussing, enough that this lunatic held up the train for about a minute because she’s kicking and yelling out the door. The door finally closes and where does she decide to stand? In front of me of course! She’s yelling at everybody and cussing, she’s a big mess! Then she begins to kick her left leg up in the air like the Karate Kid, twirling around holding on to the pole in the floor. By now most people have moved as far away from her as possible. Not me though. She twirls in my direction and kicks her leg up in the air again just to the right of me. I’m thinking now, “Ok. So this is the morning I get arrested, and end up as the headline “Crazed Teacher Got Tuff on Subway!” Because that’s what the papers here love to do.) I just knew this lunatic (one of my favorite words by the way) was going to f-ck with me! I was so ready. I guess the anger was evident in my face (brought on by my day job) must’ve had my maniac stare on, cause I looked her dead in the eye and she didn’t kick me. Maybe she thought I was as crazy as she was (maybe I was that morning). I probably looked like it, because a few people’s faces seemed to light up at the prospect of her kicking me in the face—I think they knew I would go off, and were waiting to see a subway rumble, and for me too to become a lunatic! Anyway, as the doors finally opened at my stop, she begins to kick her legs up repeatedly while spinning around in a circle, as if she’s fighting off a posse of ninjas. Well I figured I’d tempted fate enough that morning, and decided to follow the rest of the crowd and walk around the lunatic to the other end of the train and exit. I avoided that lunatic trap, but would later get snatched up in another a the J-O-B!

That’s the thing about NYC, it has a plethora of lunatics; there is surely no shortage of crazies here! And as each day goes by in this city, I come closer to joining the bunch!

“Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!”

Until.