Why must my life be so damn ridiculous? Why I ask? Why?

Well, like most New Yorkers I’m on this new kick to become enlightened/destress/get healthy/occupy my free time—what ever! So, I decided to begin with Yoga! I’ve had a membership to a gym (one of the best in the city I hear) for over a year—and have never used it! I know it’s shameful, but I’m trying to be better, since I’m now living my 32nd year of life! Anyway, I sign up for this into to yoga class. I buy my mat. Got my cute and comfortable yoga pants. And I finally make it into that building, ready to “get my yoga on!”

As soon as this class begins, immediately I sense trouble!! As she turns the lights off and turns on soft music, she wants to clarify that this is an Intro to Yoga Class. “Yes!” We agree. Then she walks ten feet away (other side of the room) and gets on the floor and starts running off a grocery list full of directions. Okay. I’ll share. I have an auditory processing disorder. That means that I can hear, but it takes my mind a little bit of time to sort out the information and understand what I’m hearing. As a result of my auditory processing disorder, I have difficulty following (understanding) multi-step directions. My brain just don’t work that way! I’ve been living with this for years and have developed a few survival techniques that get me by. This is why I’m a master at lip reading!

Anyway, lip reading may be difficult tonight, since I have to take my glasses off so I don’t break them. As this chick is across the room, on the floor, in the dark speaking at warp speed I’m trying my damnedest to follow! I can’t read or understand a word that this woman is saying! I’m stretching and bending and trying to keep up. But I can’t understand shit she’s saying, so I’m trying to watch what everybody else is doing, and then do that. The only problem with this method is that, in yoga, you don’t just face ONE direction! So, I’m facing and trying to keep up, when all of a sudden, it becomes apparent to me that everybody’s now facing in my direction! This means that I should now be facing the wall next to me, and not the class! Damnit! I turn quickly. Just then (and just 10 minutes into the class, mind you), a tall lean man walks by carrying his shoes and yoga mat, and exits the door and class! Okay. He’s done.

Ooohhhmmmm!!

I’m still trying though. After a few minutes of facing the wall, I figure I should turn to see what “we’re” doing now. Okay. Now my body should be flat on the mat? Face flat too? Okay. Again, I can’t see what we’re doing. Oh! Up again! Now I’m what? What? Put my feet where? I don’t think I’m made for doing that. I mean I could try, but maybe after a drink or something! For the next 20 minutes or so I continue to struggle to follow this damn class, which seemed like such a great idea just a few hours ago. In the meantime, two more people (both women) collect their belongings-shoes, coats, and mats, then leave—mid downward facing dog!!

Ooohhhmmmm!!

Our “instructor” doesn’t even pause as these people walk past her. She doesn’t even look in their direction. Did I mention to you that as she’s running off these directions she’s throwing in all sorts of yoga jargon-as if we beginners know what the hell she’s talking about! Right now I’m feeling like I’m back at my freshman year of college. My first into to philosophy or into to psych class! You remember those weeder courses! They were designed to be extremely difficult, just to “weed out” the weaker students so that they would drop the course. First few days of ‘em, I didn’t know what the hell was going on! I’m back at that place now. Was there some required reading that I was supposed to do before I got here? Cause I don’t know what the hell she is talking about! Every few moves (that I’m still unable to follow) she throws in some more Yoganese! I have no idea what this woman is saying!!!!

Ooohhhmmmm!!

Time is passing. And I’m pissed!! Omy! Obviously, so is this fourth woman who walks past me out the door with her coat and gym bag w/yoga mat in hand! What the hell is going on? I should leave now too! But damnit, my shoes are across the room (why didn’t I keep them next to me) and I would disturb that woman who probably thinks I’m attracted to her, since I’ve been staring at her since this class began. Without my glasses on I can barely see anything, so I’ve just been trying to watch the woman in front of me to see what she does. On more than one occasion, when I should have been facing the back wall with my head between my legs, or pretzeled to my left, that woman found me staring at her. I know she thinks I want her. Sorry, wrong! I just want to know what the hell is going on. She has no idea I’m just using her as an illustration, since our “instructor” doesn’t give a damn! Okay. I’m a teacher, and I know a bad teacher when I see one! This chick is a horrible teacher!!! She may be good at her craft, but she’s lousy at teaching it!!! She has to know that half of this group is barely keeping up, if at all!

For the last 5 or 10 minutes of the class, she has us laying completely flat on our mats, in the dark just focusing on our breathing.

Finally, class over! I’m so pissed off! I gather my shoes and mat and head for the elevator. I get on w/ two other women who were in the class. As the elevator door closes, taking us up to the locker room, the young one says. “I’m pissed! This wasn’t a Into to Yoga Class! This was way too hard!” The older lady shakes her head in agreement. “I thought it was just me!” I say to them. “Nope!” They both respond. The young one says, “I wanted to walk out mid class. I should have!”

This night, others share in my ridiculousness! I am not alone! I feel slightly better as I walk home, a little looser, but still pissed off. Will I go back next week? Hell to the no!

Ooohhhmmmm!!