Have you ever had a day when you felt like you were in the middle of some type of karmic punishment? No matter how much you prep or plan, nothing works out! Just the other day I traveled to DC for a job interview. I left NYC early that morning on the AMTRAK. I arrived @ Union Station with time for breakfast and to do a little people watching. (Sounds great so far doesn't it). After my breakfast (and as my interview time approached) I found the restroom and changed into my "Interview Attire."

Oyea, I forgot to tell you about the train ride. Well, I got on what I thought was a silent car (no cell phone use or loud conversations). I thought this because it was labeled (with a huge sign hanging from the ceiling) SILENT CAR. Anyway, I get seated and comfortable and the train begins to take off when the conductor comes through and grabs the sign and yells, "Silent car is two cars up!" I'm definitely irritated but, I'm like its no big deal, I'll be fine. Just as I get ready to fall asleep the "gentleman" in from of me lays his seat back as far as he can, so far that he looks over the back of the seat (I'm so not lying) and his head is in my lap. What the hell???? He smiled then turned around (of course leaving the seat in the same position). Anyway, long story short, 20 minutes later he's snoring so loud he wakes me up. Where I remain awake for the duration of the 4 hour ride!

Okay, back to me getting dressed. I go out to hail a cab, and am pointed to a cab at the end of the walkway. I get all the way down there, greet the gentleman, tell him where I'm going (address) and wait. "Uhhh! Do you know how to get there?" my taxi driver asks. "Uhhh. Nope. But I have mapquest directions." (Because I'm prepared like that). He takes a look and says, "I just started driving. I don't know where this is. You need to get another cab." (This whole transaction took about 10 minutes). So now I get out and walk back to the taxi stand. Take 2!! "Sir, do you know how to get to this address?" I am fortunate! He tells me he use to live in this neighborhood. Great!!! I get there and ask him if I can hail a cab to get back down town from here. I'm told I need to call one, so I take the number from him. I go into this wonderful new building which also houses several non-profits in addition to the school.

Okay, there's nobody at the security desk. That's weird! And there's nobody in this front corridor. So now I start walking looking for someone to direct me to the school. I go into the first non-profit's office-- (it’s unlocked!!) No people! Where are all the folks? Computers are on, and I hear voices but see no people (and I'm all up in there space). I think they're hiding from me!!!Next office, again unlocked. No people, no voices. I'm outta that one! Across the hall I see two women sitting and talking in an office. Knock on the glass and wait for a second then enter the door (this whole bldg is glass by the way you can see everything). They look at me, I smile then they continue to have a conversation about the hair salon for at least 6 minutes. Finally I say, "Excuse me!" Of course with a smile! "Where is the _____ School?" I'm told upstairs and I thank them and leave.

I get upstairs and all the lights are off. The school's door is locked. But I'm still thinking there must be some reason. "She must be in the back," I think to myself. I call from my cell and the phones just ring and ring, and ring. Just at that moment, my cell phone battery beeps that the battery is low!!! I don't believe this shit!! I charged that battery all night! How is this possible?? Anyway, now I'm in a mad dash to look for a public phone in the bldg. Not one anywhere? I ask two people and am told that there isn't one!!!! Why me?? Why today??

I quickly call the taxi dispatch--she puts me on hold!!!!! Damn!!! Why today?? My battery is dying and I'm gonna end up stuck in the middle of somewhere where cabs don't come!!! Dispatcher comes back and tells me she'll send somebody & to give her the cell number. I warn her that my battery is dying. She calls back in 5 (quick) minutes to say come outside and the cab would pull up in a minute! Yea!! I am grateful!!!Well, this taxi driver is quite suspicious of me. "You know its $15 to get there?" he asks. "I know!" For the entire ride he watches me with a scowl on his face over his shoulder and in the rearview mirror.

I've already decided that I'm taking one of the China Town busses home because they're only $20 (they just take a long time). I get out and I don't see the name of this company anywhere around me. Maybe I have the wrong address? I decide to walk to the hotel two blocks over to see if they can tell me where the bus company actually is. Did I tell you it’s at least 92 degrees this day (the actual temperature) at least!!! I am hot as hell!!!!!! In my interview clothes--just roasting!!! At least I changed into my flip flops in the cab. Anyway, they tell me to go to the Chinese restaurant 2 blocks over. I walk over there and inquire about the China Town shuttle bus. The first response was that there's no bus. Then as I'm leaving, a cashier gives me a small printed schedule and tells me that the bus is like (15 alphabets away!! That's because in DC some of the streets are identified by alphabets). Right now I wanna cry!!!!I start walking anyway. At the corner I see a cell phone shop and have this bright idea to buy a battery so that I can use my phone. $30 that I don't have down!! But wait! Uumhh? Why is the phone not working yet? I forgot I need to charge the battery first! So stupid. Just keep walking (I'm thinking to myself--in a very angry way)!

3 more hot ass blocks and I see and pay phone and decide to check on the address of the original shuttle service I had planned to use. According to the msg--I was at the right place! So I walk all the way back. I'm dripping with sweat and tears. I look and this time I see people standing around, scattered around with luggage. I ask one person and that's it! This is where the bus picks up! Yea!!!! I celebrate by running inside to buy a frappachino. 30 minutes later the bus arrives. In the meantime I've been standing in the shade because it's hot as hell. There are now a whole lotta people in front of me. No big deal. The driver announces that all those who have reservations can get on first (35 people) and the rest of us (6 people) can ride to the next stop. If there's room we can stay on the bus, but if a lot of people over there have reservations, we will have to get off and wait for the next bus which is at 5:30 and it is now 2:30.

I wanna cry. Of all the damn shuttle companies, how did I pick the one that you have to have a reservation for??? Only me. At this point, after the day I had, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna end up getting put off and waiting on the 5:30 bus. To my surprise I am wrong.

Well, at 8pm we roll into NYC! Yep, I said it, 8pm. Please let me remind you I left my house at 6am that morning. Anyway, I go and pick up my doggie and head home. As I'm getting undressed (from the clothes that are completely soaked with sweat) I notice my shoulder and side are bruised from carrying my bag with my portfolio & purse in it all day long in 92+ degree heat. Anyway, I play my answering machine and have a msg from the woman I was supposed to interview with. She called me at 1:30 (which is 30 minutes after our scheduled interview time). She states that she's not sure if I know it or not but she's at the OTHER school location this week, on the OTHER side of town. She leaves the number to her office at that location.

I cannot believe it!!! How would I have known that? The first thing the next morning I call to explain my series of unfortunate events, and the fax machine keeps picking up every time I call. I shoot her an email and explain everything and tell her that I thank her for the opportunity, but Yesterday's day of planes, trains, and automobiles was a sign. I'm not yet ready to leave NYC. Long story short, she calls me the next day and is extremely apologetic. She even offers to travel to NYC to interview me here. She asks me to take some time and relax from the craziness of that day, then reconsider her offer. A week later she received a wonderful thank you note, politely declining her offer.

As I reflect on the insanity of that day, I have to laugh. I don't know what that was all about but I know it was some karmic message I was supposed to get.

This much I’ve figured out . . . its funny as hell, now! I still haven’t sorted out the message or lesson for that day, but its so crazy, all I can do is laugh. Only me.

Until next time.

So I've been thinking about my relationship Karma lately! I'm not one of those weepy chicks trying to figure out why I'm single (the answer is for now, I prefer it that way! Thank you very much!). Anyway, I digress! I've just been thinking about it because I have come across more than my share of lunatics! I kid u not! I'm like a magnet for their kind. Well, I just wonder what have I done in my past relationships to deserve such insanity and chaos? I've tried hard to pin point the occasion--unsuccessfully! I've never cheated! Besides the fact I think its wrong and what goes around comes around. That's just way too much work for me! I can barely stand one man at a time let alone two of em (don’t get me wrong- as Elaine said, “I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian!”). I don't lie in my relationships! (Yet another reason I'm single--Bottom line, I have a super shitty memory)! I just don’t know what I’ve done to bring the nonsense to me that seems to find me. I do know that I have spent most of my adult life avoiding relationships--like they're a disease. I am beginning to think that one of my past lives holds the key to my chaos of today!

I'm starting to think that in one of my past lives I fucked up and was born a man! I think that there are some lessons I'm meant to learn in this life (as a woman) but the only problem is that I still have the heart of a fucked up man! It causes so many issues for me you can't begin to believe. The worst part of it as that no man—wants to date a man! Unless he’s gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

As I ponder my "relationship karma" I realize that my relationships are few and far between. For the most part I have difficulty maintaining anything serious beyond a year or so. I think I have issues with commitment. This is the part of me that won’t even allow me to commit to a cell phone plan. Hell, I’ve been in my apt for 4 years now, and each year I keep taking a one year lease because I don’t want to commit to anything longer—even though it costs me more money. What is wrong with me????

Half the time I avoid relationships like its Ebola. My longest relationship was/is with a man that I call "Good on Paper Guy." I saw The GOP for probably two years. The key to our "relationship"--it had no name, no expectations, no rules, and no love. I can tell you this much, I burned a lot of calories in that relationship!!! Hummm! I digress, my apologies! The GOP is everything that I have always said I wanted and needed in a man--physically, spiritually, intellectually, financially, all around! He is everything! But just one thing -Carrie said it best, " is a relationship a relationship without the zsa zsa zsu (aka: that special something that gives you butterflies in the stomach)?” I don't think so. And unfortunately, I just never felt that with him!

What’s wrong with me? I wanna meet my soul mate! I wanna be happy and get married and raise children! Well maybe not get married. Or raise children (that’s still up for debate). But I do want to be happy!! That much I know! Maybe I’m missing that girl gene that makes u plan your wedding day when you’re 10, or pretend to be the mommy when you’re 6, or pray for a husband when you turn 30!

Just like Carrie, I too was told that I'm "not the marrying type!" Initially I was hurt and even angered by being told this! Just what the hell did he "My Mr. Big" mean by telling me that I'm not the marrying type? This divorcee is telling me that I'm not the marrying type? This divorcee that is now unable to even spell marriage or monogamy is telling me I'm not the marrying type? He said he recognized it because he too was not the marrying type! Oh! That makes me feel so much better! Another on the relationship Karma train to pain is telling me that I'm fucked up! Just my luck!Anyway, he thinks that I'll probably meet some one but that we'll just live together. How nice!

Well, the GOP was only one of many of the interesting men I’ve dated in my adult life. The roster reads like a cast list for Seinfeld. Here’s a few of the high (or low) lights:

The Special One
The Liar
Porno Star
Cool Runnings
The Rasta
The Grocery Store Guy
My Greatest
The Psychic
The Virgo
The Chef
The Proper West Indian
The Crazy Puerto Rican
CentralPark Guy

Anyway, as my good friends prepare for showers and weddings, I congratulate them, and am happy for them! They have been brave enough to do what I (and so many like me) have been unable to do--they have called, claimed and named love! One of the boldest acts of courage is claiming love. Believe it or not! I have met many men in my lifetime, but just a few seemed kinda right for me. I don't know if perfect exists but I have seen kinda right, eye to eye. And I sit and think and wonder, is this love? Is this as good as it gets for me? Vivian Green has this song, what is love? She talks about (just like me) wondering if she’s looking at love, and if its not, recognizing that maybe that’s as good as it’ll get for her. I often feel that I wouldn’t know love if it was looking me in the face.

I know what I hope love looks like, but I don’t know if it’s possible. I want a man that is brave enough to expose his insecurities to me and to be willing to reach for me, when I might not brave enough to reach for him. The basis of love is vulnerability.

Sometimes it’s so scary and painful to be vulnerable, but that pain doesn’t compare to the pain of missing an opportunity to love because you weren’t brave enough to love!Sometimes it seems as though when u lose love you sit in a pain that is beyond belief. Death often seems to be the certain solution from the pain that can devour you. It is because "the heart dies a slow death."

So for now, like Carrie I too must ask the question, “Are soul mates a reality, or a torture device?" I will say I’m not sitting and waiting for a soul mate to find me (and I'm not out looking for them), but I’ve decided that for a little while I’m taking a break from the empty sex. It feels good while you’re in the middle of it, but no matter how big he is, it doesn’t fill me up.

Until next time.