So I've been thinking about my relationship Karma lately! I'm not one of those weepy chicks trying to figure out why I'm single (the answer is for now, I prefer it that way! Thank you very much!). Anyway, I digress! I've just been thinking about it because I have come across more than my share of lunatics! I kid u not! I'm like a magnet for their kind. Well, I just wonder what have I done in my past relationships to deserve such insanity and chaos? I've tried hard to pin point the occasion--unsuccessfully! I've never cheated! Besides the fact I think its wrong and what goes around comes around. That's just way too much work for me! I can barely stand one man at a time let alone two of em (don’t get me wrong- as Elaine said, “I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian!”). I don't lie in my relationships! (Yet another reason I'm single--Bottom line, I have a super shitty memory)! I just don’t know what I’ve done to bring the nonsense to me that seems to find me. I do know that I have spent most of my adult life avoiding relationships--like they're a disease. I am beginning to think that one of my past lives holds the key to my chaos of today!

I'm starting to think that in one of my past lives I fucked up and was born a man! I think that there are some lessons I'm meant to learn in this life (as a woman) but the only problem is that I still have the heart of a fucked up man! It causes so many issues for me you can't begin to believe. The worst part of it as that no man—wants to date a man! Unless he’s gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

As I ponder my "relationship karma" I realize that my relationships are few and far between. For the most part I have difficulty maintaining anything serious beyond a year or so. I think I have issues with commitment. This is the part of me that won’t even allow me to commit to a cell phone plan. Hell, I’ve been in my apt for 4 years now, and each year I keep taking a one year lease because I don’t want to commit to anything longer—even though it costs me more money. What is wrong with me????

Half the time I avoid relationships like its Ebola. My longest relationship was/is with a man that I call "Good on Paper Guy." I saw The GOP for probably two years. The key to our "relationship"--it had no name, no expectations, no rules, and no love. I can tell you this much, I burned a lot of calories in that relationship!!! Hummm! I digress, my apologies! The GOP is everything that I have always said I wanted and needed in a man--physically, spiritually, intellectually, financially, all around! He is everything! But just one thing -Carrie said it best, " is a relationship a relationship without the zsa zsa zsu (aka: that special something that gives you butterflies in the stomach)?” I don't think so. And unfortunately, I just never felt that with him!

What’s wrong with me? I wanna meet my soul mate! I wanna be happy and get married and raise children! Well maybe not get married. Or raise children (that’s still up for debate). But I do want to be happy!! That much I know! Maybe I’m missing that girl gene that makes u plan your wedding day when you’re 10, or pretend to be the mommy when you’re 6, or pray for a husband when you turn 30!

Just like Carrie, I too was told that I'm "not the marrying type!" Initially I was hurt and even angered by being told this! Just what the hell did he "My Mr. Big" mean by telling me that I'm not the marrying type? This divorcee is telling me that I'm not the marrying type? This divorcee that is now unable to even spell marriage or monogamy is telling me I'm not the marrying type? He said he recognized it because he too was not the marrying type! Oh! That makes me feel so much better! Another on the relationship Karma train to pain is telling me that I'm fucked up! Just my luck!Anyway, he thinks that I'll probably meet some one but that we'll just live together. How nice!

Well, the GOP was only one of many of the interesting men I’ve dated in my adult life. The roster reads like a cast list for Seinfeld. Here’s a few of the high (or low) lights:

The Special One
The Liar
Porno Star
Cool Runnings
The Rasta
The Grocery Store Guy
My Greatest
The Psychic
The Virgo
The Chef
The Proper West Indian
The Crazy Puerto Rican
CentralPark Guy

Anyway, as my good friends prepare for showers and weddings, I congratulate them, and am happy for them! They have been brave enough to do what I (and so many like me) have been unable to do--they have called, claimed and named love! One of the boldest acts of courage is claiming love. Believe it or not! I have met many men in my lifetime, but just a few seemed kinda right for me. I don't know if perfect exists but I have seen kinda right, eye to eye. And I sit and think and wonder, is this love? Is this as good as it gets for me? Vivian Green has this song, what is love? She talks about (just like me) wondering if she’s looking at love, and if its not, recognizing that maybe that’s as good as it’ll get for her. I often feel that I wouldn’t know love if it was looking me in the face.

I know what I hope love looks like, but I don’t know if it’s possible. I want a man that is brave enough to expose his insecurities to me and to be willing to reach for me, when I might not brave enough to reach for him. The basis of love is vulnerability.

Sometimes it’s so scary and painful to be vulnerable, but that pain doesn’t compare to the pain of missing an opportunity to love because you weren’t brave enough to love!Sometimes it seems as though when u lose love you sit in a pain that is beyond belief. Death often seems to be the certain solution from the pain that can devour you. It is because "the heart dies a slow death."

So for now, like Carrie I too must ask the question, “Are soul mates a reality, or a torture device?" I will say I’m not sitting and waiting for a soul mate to find me (and I'm not out looking for them), but I’ve decided that for a little while I’m taking a break from the empty sex. It feels good while you’re in the middle of it, but no matter how big he is, it doesn’t fill me up.

Until next time.