In The Wretched of the Earth, Frantz Fanon wrote, "Each generation must out of relative obscurity determine its mission, fulfill it or betray it." I believe, truer words were never spoken. But I must ask the question, what if you spend most of your life trying to determine what your mission is? Do you end up with enough time to fulfill it? Is the betrayal in not determining your mission sooner, when all the evidence was right in front of you the whole time?

Well, my mission isn't yet clear. In the meantime, I pray for clarity and more time.

Until.

About two years ago, two friends of mine (also teachers), and myself took a much needed mental-health holiday to St. Croix (one of Virgin Islands). At that point in the year we were all in desperate need of life makeovers. The focus of our trip was to identify our "new paradigm shift" as we reminded ourselves frequently! Professionally we felt battered. Emotionally we were exhausted. Physically we were worn, torn, and tattered. And socially, we were at an impasse. Eat, Drink, and be Merry! Our three rules for the week!

Well, when we arrived on the island that evening our hotel was offering the first of many solutions to ensure that we followed our 3 rules: Rum-Punch Hour! We quickly changed into beach wear and grabbed headphones and magazines to sit and soak up the last few minutes of the sun until sunset (hell, who am I fooling? We intended to sit on that beach that night until! --Which is until we felt like it--sun or no sun!) Anyway, as we passed through the patio (where the other guests--and the Rum-Punch was located) we filled our glasses, and sat for a moment (we didn't want to be rude!) Fate would have it that a woman, who would later be responsible (with her husband) for our new paradigm shift) passed and commented that she loved the RealSimple magazine that my friend was reading. She said that she look forward to seeing it in her mailbox every month! I agreed.

The next afternoon we passed them on the beach as we were taking a break to walk around down town. We spoke briefly and proceeded to sightsee. That night our hotel (wonderful by the way) sponsored a huge dinner (as they do once a week). We happened to see that woman and her husband as we stood in line. The husband came over and told us that they saved us three seats so that we could have dinner with them. Over dinner we found out that this woman was a retired teacher, who lived on Long Island! How odd! Before I get too deep into this story let me share something with you. I once heard someone say that the definition of coincidence is a small miracle in which God wishes to remain anonymous. I definitely believed that after this trip! Anyway, back to the story. We discussed with her some of the frustrations and concerns that we were now feeling at this point in the school year, in our classrooms, with our students, with our profession, and with our careers. She shared a wealth of knowledge that night that reignited our passion as educators-- for at least until the end of that school year.

She and her husband also shared the story of how they met, and how he courted her (remember when people still did that). They told us how two of their sons were already married and that the one closest to our age was now engaged. And then the husband asked about the state of our dating lives. Even though it was music, dancing, and tons of people on that beach, I could have sworn I heard crickets chirping and fish swimming in the ocean--we were so silent.

Free spoke first, (not one to mince words) she told him how most of the guys we meet weren't really normal, and that some turned out to be downright jerks (keeping the language clean for the elders). Gracie and I agreed with Free's analysis of the situation. I think the next thing he asked us was, "well who do you want to date?" We were kinda stumped by the question. We all said, "A nice normal guy." "That's not specific enough." He responded. "How do you know who to avoid and who you want if you don't really have a clear idea?" He told us to go back to our rooms that night, and sit and really think and come up with a list of qualities (really non-negotiables) that we were looking for in a man. He also told us to create a list of solutions to attempt to secure the non-negotiables on our list.

As soon as we got back to our room we each grabbed pen & paper and spread out throughout the suite. Initially we worked independently creating our own lists in isolation. Then after about 45 minutes we shared and (as good friends do) ripped each other's work to pieces. We called each other out on all the BS that we'd been accepting and that we do. We challenged each other to truly examine the full implications of what we wanted and needed. We also spoke at length about what we were no longer willing to accept. We discussed and debated our solutions to attempt to rectify (the situation--as we called it)! And since we were on the road to our "New Paradigm Shift" we each made road maps to happiness, a list of things (tangible) that need to be done to ensure that we were living our best lives. When we finally went to sleep that night (morning really) if felt like 3 different people were in that room. What difference a "Paradigm Shift" can make!!

Well, in light of a recent encounter with a gentleman, to be known to you as The CentralPark Guy, I pulled out my list and took a long look at it, and thought about how I'd been betraying it in the past two years. What I wrote on those lists were my purest thoughts. My non-negotiables were what I know I deserve and want. Why had I betrayed myself? I mean, I'd been following some aspects of my lists--but I'd not been adhering to it like the legal document it deserved to be! I'd turned my back on my own truth! I have no one else to blame for the nonsense that I'd encountered, since I'd not been following my own document! Damn!

Last night CentralPark Guy called, and for like 5 minutes I was tempted to take his call--but I didn't. Then for like 25 minutes more I was tempted to return his call. Right now, I won't even get into the incident that led up to me avoiding his calls. But needless to say, I sat and reviewed the list (to see how many requirements from my list, he met). Not enough for me. No call back. A good guy, for another girl.

Anyway, my list reads like this: (Free & Gracie's lists were different)

5 Qualities I need from a man in a relationship:

1. Intelligent (intellectually engaging, witty)
2. Spontaneous (flexible)
3. Sensual (not sexual)
4. Passionate (about life)
5. Independent

I want a man who makes love to my mind long before he even touches my body. A man who's relaxed--but focused--easy going and flexible but able to guide me when I need it. A man whose physical touch is so tender and so sincere that it burns an indelible mark on me--right down to my soul--he leaves his print on my spirit--un matched by another. A man who knows passion and isn't afraid of feeling passion for me. A man that contributes to his family, community, and culture and controls his own fate by believing in himself.

Maybe I need to shrink my list down to pocket-size and carry it with me at all times. As I learn info about him, I can check to see which qualifications he meets (if any), then avoid any potential crazy antics. That might work?

Well, for now, I'm gonna just work on me. I'm paying close attention to that road map I told you about, and I've got the list of non-negotiables in my back pocket, if something should arise.

Until next time.

Maybe Carrie was right, maybe we can be haunted by the ghosts of old relationships. Whether it's an old boyfriend, best friend, or boss, do you think that we keep encountering some people or memories of a relationship until we have closure? I'm starting to think that this is true. But sometimes you don't want to deal with anything. Sometimes you feel avoidance is just the way to go! (And it is)!

About a week or so ago, while visiting my family (and friends) in my Mid-Western hometown, I was shopping with my Mom in my favorite store (Tar`get). I'm strolling and walking, enjoying the store and then I see a guy I really didn't feel like dealing with. In this situation, what would you do? I figured, I did the same. I faked a move to the left and rounded the corner like I was going up for a jump shot. The only problem is at the time I was standing at the end of the aisle talking to my Mom (mid sentence-mind you), who was at the other end of the aisle with the basket. As I took the fake move left around the corner (because I saw him over her head in the next aisle over) my Mom began to follow me with the basket. I peeked down the next aisle (getting ready to call her) and there he was again. So I crouched down once again and proceeded to walk, (as fast as I could) to the end of the main aisle, where my Mom was now arriving--and looking very confused.

I know this doesn't seem necessary or normal to most of you, but if you had my experiences, you'd be doing fake fast moves in Tar`get like Jordan too! I can't tell you how many times I've looked up and been staring at somebody face to face that I thought I would never ever ever have to see again!

In most cities it may be common to keep running into people that you don't want or need to see anymore, but I live in NYC. Isn't it like 8 million people here-or something? How do I keep running into the ones I don't want to see??? The Chinese Rasta I've only seen from a distance, too far away to do anything about it! But lunatics-- Oh! They're all up in my face!

Example #1: one day, I'm walking with my friend after work on 86th Street (we're browsing-basically window shopping and winding down from the long teaching work day). As we pass the bus stop, I come face to face with The Psychic! Needless to say, I'm not good with controlling the expressions on my face when I'm thinking something. I've been trying--but have never been successful. He looks me dead in my eye like he wishes he could spit in it. Maybe it had something to do with me telling him that I thought he was an effin lunatic and that I didn't need to know him anymore? I dunno?

Another day, (again after a long day at work--headed to the salon). I hop on the train and settle in for my long ride from The Bronx to Lower Manhattan. As soon as I get on the train and the doors close, I notice that the guy standing next to me is staring at me (from under his fitted cap). Whatever, I think to myself. As soon as a seat is available I sit and then he sits directly across from me. It finally dawns on me that that weirdo still peering at me from under his fitted is The Virgo!

Yea, The Virgo was this obsessive lunatic that bordered on stalking. He called so much and was so inappropriate that I used my caller ID as God had intended me to---to avoid him! He got so lunaticish that he started calling from other people's numbers and blocking his number, he would even call me at like 3 in the morning (when I was half asleep) when I'd answer the phone he'd start talking like it was 5pm and I was expecting his call. LUNATIC, didn't I tell you? I finally had to change my number.

So back to him-watching me--on the train. I start to get nervous because he's clearly watching me (and making great efforts to make sure I don't know its him, watching me). I prep a text msg telling where I am, and that the lunatic is following me and scaring the hell out of me and what station I'm pulling into. I don't have service underground but I know that at the next stop (59th and Columbus) there's a spot on the platform where I get service. I just want somebody to know what's going on in case this LUNATIC does something to me. I don't want to be an episode of Law and Order (u know they love the RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES shit)!!! I'm getting more nervous because this platform is very narrow and he could easily push me off (in front of a train)!! I know I watch A LOT of Law and Order. But you know that's an episode.

Anyway, as we stop at the station, I wait until the very last minute (when the doors are open) and hop off the train! I look back, and he hopped of behind me! What the hell?? Ok. So my new plan is, get upstairs to the local platform so I can send the msg, and maybe I'll see some cops!! That ass actually followed me upstairs. I send the msg (and watch him watching me steps away). As I wait for the train, one of my friends calls back to check on me. He suggests I just get out of the station and find a cop. That's a great idea, and I'm sure the right one, but---I have a hair appointment! I need my do done! I will not be late and miss my appt. I stand and talk to him until the next train comes when I tell him I'm gonna hop on at the last minute. Just before the doors close--I'm on, and the lunatic is not!! Thank GOD!!!!

My ghosts are not limited to the men I may have dated. I've also been haunted by ex-best friends and teachers I couldn't stand. Sometimes it isn't a haunting--because they're not a ghost in your life yet! You're just counting the days until they are. Prime example: the chick.

I've run into a co-worker (my co-teacher), who I couldn't stand (and she couldn't stand me)!!! I mean I disliked this person so much, I just wanted to smack her face 10 good times. This chick tried to make me look incompetent at my JOB! The least I owed her was a sock in the eye! Anyway, One Saturday afternoon I'm leaving the dog park with two friends, and who runs up to me, but the chick! Oddly enough just days before she told me to my face that she thought I was neglectful of my duties as a teacher and that I should be honest and accept it. She also said a whole bunch of other stuff (like lying on me-about some shit she was supposed to do). When I called her on it (only addressing it because she was talking shit to our supervisor about me), she tried to make me look crazy! She even cried (I mean real tears) in a mediation (that she requested) with our supervisor. She said I made it miserable for her and she didn't want to come to work. I was often so mean that she just wanted to avoid me all together! Well that makes two of us! ASS!

Anyway, she runs up to me, violates my personal space and hugs me. What the? She tries to touch my dog, and introduces herself to my friends, then tells me some random shit---as if I care. Why do this? I know you hate me! She screwed up my energy for the whole day. DAMN! DAMN! DAMN JAMES!

Another, I-hope-to-be-ghost encounter was when I'd also been walking with a friend of mine (on Broadway) and had The GOP pull up next to me. No bad energy here--I'd just been avoiding him. I'm trying to live right! I was trying to avoid temptation! It was like offering people in Hell, ice water! His heavy accent (which I could hardly ever understand what he was saying unless I was reading his lips), thick dreds, and sweet kisses were almost enough to make me forget my promise to myself! But I didn't. I maintained! And wound up with a migraine for dinner! Stress is a BITCH!

Maybe in some instances, the end that we think we desire really doesn't exist. Perhaps, we have to be brave, like Miranda, and give up the ghost! Who knows what's meant to be?