About two years ago, two friends of mine (also teachers), and myself took a much needed mental-health holiday to St. Croix (one of Virgin Islands). At that point in the year we were all in desperate need of life makeovers. The focus of our trip was to identify our "new paradigm shift" as we reminded ourselves frequently! Professionally we felt battered. Emotionally we were exhausted. Physically we were worn, torn, and tattered. And socially, we were at an impasse. Eat, Drink, and be Merry! Our three rules for the week!

Well, when we arrived on the island that evening our hotel was offering the first of many solutions to ensure that we followed our 3 rules: Rum-Punch Hour! We quickly changed into beach wear and grabbed headphones and magazines to sit and soak up the last few minutes of the sun until sunset (hell, who am I fooling? We intended to sit on that beach that night until! --Which is until we felt like it--sun or no sun!) Anyway, as we passed through the patio (where the other guests--and the Rum-Punch was located) we filled our glasses, and sat for a moment (we didn't want to be rude!) Fate would have it that a woman, who would later be responsible (with her husband) for our new paradigm shift) passed and commented that she loved the RealSimple magazine that my friend was reading. She said that she look forward to seeing it in her mailbox every month! I agreed.

The next afternoon we passed them on the beach as we were taking a break to walk around down town. We spoke briefly and proceeded to sightsee. That night our hotel (wonderful by the way) sponsored a huge dinner (as they do once a week). We happened to see that woman and her husband as we stood in line. The husband came over and told us that they saved us three seats so that we could have dinner with them. Over dinner we found out that this woman was a retired teacher, who lived on Long Island! How odd! Before I get too deep into this story let me share something with you. I once heard someone say that the definition of coincidence is a small miracle in which God wishes to remain anonymous. I definitely believed that after this trip! Anyway, back to the story. We discussed with her some of the frustrations and concerns that we were now feeling at this point in the school year, in our classrooms, with our students, with our profession, and with our careers. She shared a wealth of knowledge that night that reignited our passion as educators-- for at least until the end of that school year.

She and her husband also shared the story of how they met, and how he courted her (remember when people still did that). They told us how two of their sons were already married and that the one closest to our age was now engaged. And then the husband asked about the state of our dating lives. Even though it was music, dancing, and tons of people on that beach, I could have sworn I heard crickets chirping and fish swimming in the ocean--we were so silent.

Free spoke first, (not one to mince words) she told him how most of the guys we meet weren't really normal, and that some turned out to be downright jerks (keeping the language clean for the elders). Gracie and I agreed with Free's analysis of the situation. I think the next thing he asked us was, "well who do you want to date?" We were kinda stumped by the question. We all said, "A nice normal guy." "That's not specific enough." He responded. "How do you know who to avoid and who you want if you don't really have a clear idea?" He told us to go back to our rooms that night, and sit and really think and come up with a list of qualities (really non-negotiables) that we were looking for in a man. He also told us to create a list of solutions to attempt to secure the non-negotiables on our list.

As soon as we got back to our room we each grabbed pen & paper and spread out throughout the suite. Initially we worked independently creating our own lists in isolation. Then after about 45 minutes we shared and (as good friends do) ripped each other's work to pieces. We called each other out on all the BS that we'd been accepting and that we do. We challenged each other to truly examine the full implications of what we wanted and needed. We also spoke at length about what we were no longer willing to accept. We discussed and debated our solutions to attempt to rectify (the situation--as we called it)! And since we were on the road to our "New Paradigm Shift" we each made road maps to happiness, a list of things (tangible) that need to be done to ensure that we were living our best lives. When we finally went to sleep that night (morning really) if felt like 3 different people were in that room. What difference a "Paradigm Shift" can make!!

Well, in light of a recent encounter with a gentleman, to be known to you as The CentralPark Guy, I pulled out my list and took a long look at it, and thought about how I'd been betraying it in the past two years. What I wrote on those lists were my purest thoughts. My non-negotiables were what I know I deserve and want. Why had I betrayed myself? I mean, I'd been following some aspects of my lists--but I'd not been adhering to it like the legal document it deserved to be! I'd turned my back on my own truth! I have no one else to blame for the nonsense that I'd encountered, since I'd not been following my own document! Damn!

Last night CentralPark Guy called, and for like 5 minutes I was tempted to take his call--but I didn't. Then for like 25 minutes more I was tempted to return his call. Right now, I won't even get into the incident that led up to me avoiding his calls. But needless to say, I sat and reviewed the list (to see how many requirements from my list, he met). Not enough for me. No call back. A good guy, for another girl.

Anyway, my list reads like this: (Free & Gracie's lists were different)

5 Qualities I need from a man in a relationship:

1. Intelligent (intellectually engaging, witty)
2. Spontaneous (flexible)
3. Sensual (not sexual)
4. Passionate (about life)
5. Independent

I want a man who makes love to my mind long before he even touches my body. A man who's relaxed--but focused--easy going and flexible but able to guide me when I need it. A man whose physical touch is so tender and so sincere that it burns an indelible mark on me--right down to my soul--he leaves his print on my spirit--un matched by another. A man who knows passion and isn't afraid of feeling passion for me. A man that contributes to his family, community, and culture and controls his own fate by believing in himself.

Maybe I need to shrink my list down to pocket-size and carry it with me at all times. As I learn info about him, I can check to see which qualifications he meets (if any), then avoid any potential crazy antics. That might work?

Well, for now, I'm gonna just work on me. I'm paying close attention to that road map I told you about, and I've got the list of non-negotiables in my back pocket, if something should arise.

Until next time.