There's this great movie that came out around 1992 called Singles, about a bunch of single people who live in this apartment complex in Seattle. Bridget Fonda (who is so underrated, and rarely seen by the way) plays this woman in love with this grunge guy who really could care less. She gets into this "relationship" with him, that’s clearly not meant to last. It’s all about him the whole time and she's just trying to find ways to convince him that he should love her back, or trick him into showing he cares. He isn't intentionally callous, but he is because he can be. Her one wish (which would indicate that he's not selfish and that he loves her) is that he would tell her “bless you” after she sneezes. Throughout their relationship, of course he never does. In the end, just as she's completely over him, and he's seen what a great effin catch she was, they're randomly on an elevator and she sneezes and he says, "bless you." Well she’s kinda caught off guard but after she realizes that he said “bless you,” she jumps in his arms and kisses him.

We all have personal indicators or tests that we use to gauge the potential or intentions of our new suitors. The sneeze was hers. Well I’ve got a few indicators that I use as well. I’ve also got some life rules that I live by, which take my indicators to another level. One recent suitor has reached the end of the line at the intersection of one of my indicators and personal life rules. Anyway, twice I invited this guy to meet me for a meal (once lunch, and the other dinner). Side note, the meal invitation was not easy for me at all. I have a rule that I don’t eat with people I don’t like. I don’t eat with anyone—man, woman or child that I don’t like (it defeats the purpose of eating). Unfortunately, u aren’t always able to predict the outcome of a meal. Sometimes, half way through conversation and a meal, some people can become very unattractive and move themselves to the NO EAT WITH list. I try my best to identify those potential folks before the meal (they only get invites for tea or coffee), but a few do get by. As soon as they move to that list, I automatically become “full, and can eat or drink no more.”

Anyway, I digress, back to me inviting “the guy” for the meal—TWICE! Each time he said that was a great idea but he just wasn’t that hungry at the time. But he said he was up for hanging out at my crib though. (Yea, right!) Whatever!! Let me get this straight. You’re not interested in sharing a meal with me but you want to come over to my home and kick it? I don’t think so. Strike ONE! I have an indicator that I use to weed folks out with, if I mention that I’m sick or not feeling well and you must show at least an ounce of concern—by asking if you can do anything, or bring me anything, or just calling to check up on me. If you don’t, that’s a clear indicator to me that you really aren’t concerned about me or my welfare at all.

Scene two, “the guy” calls and mentions that he wants to come and see me, and then asks what I’m doing. I reply that I’m in bed with the flu. He then replies, “Oh. Then I’ll talk to you later.” He then hangs up. As if this wasn’t indication enough of his intentions, 5 days later he calls (still in the midst of my flu). “Hey. I wanna see you. I wanna spend some time with you. But I’m tired tonight; I just picked my cousin up from the airport. What are you up to?” I must remind you that all of that was after I said, “hello?” That’s it. My reply, “In bed with the flu.” “Still?” “Yep,” my response. “Alright then. I’ll talk to you later.” And then he hangs up. Do you believe that? Well, needless to say, that was strike #2, and he’s out! There are only two balls in my game.

This whole situation reminds me of the episode of SATC when Samantha has a party at her new place and tells the girls that they have it all, great friends, good jobs, and plenty of sex! She really believed this to be true until she gets a horrible case of the flu (is there really any other kind though) and she can’t even pay a man to come and take care of her. After Carrie finally arrives, well into the insanity that only the flu can bring, she breaks down in tears, at the realization that “having it all” means nothing when there’s nobody there when you need them.

I had a Samantha moment this week.

Until.

Ok. So I'm standing and waiting to meet CPK Guy for an impromptu meet-up in Manhattan (he lives in BK). Its such a long story as to why I'd been avoiding him in the first place, but I figured an afternoon mtg. in public couldn't hurt. Maybe I was wrong. Anyway, this is a good looking guy. He's tall, football player body (but not a thick neck body-a nice muscular one), gorgeous eyes, straight white teeth, and a great smile, you know cute. And he's a professional (educator) so he should be up my alley! Anyway, I'm waiting for him and I'm dreading the visit at the same time. What is wrong with me? Why do I torture myself? Every time I'm around this man he seems to find a way to make me feel like a sirloin steak on the plate of a man who just came off a 30-day fast!! I mean, damn! He keeps affirming to me that I have this ultra violet "WHORE" tattooed on my forehead!! It's so annoying.

I'm sure most women would agree that the first time you meet a man and he truly looks at you, it becomes apparent which category you'd like to put him in (there's a variety of 'em). It is also apparent to most women (whether they want to acknowledge it or not) that the first time a man touches you (in whatever capacity/even an accidental brush past you) it is evident what that man's intentions are towards you.

Some men touch you like they expect to find serenity within you, and they want to protect you and that (shut up! I know I'm a horrible feminist), and like the connection of your skin to his feels natural to both of you. You could swear your body just heated up at least 10 degrees from his touch. There are also those men who's touch is intentionally forgettable, just flesh to flesh, minus the head and heart that always feels strained and awkward, because he fears the opportunity to connect. And then there are those men who, the first time they touch you, even if just to take a hand (let alone a hug or anything else), touch you like their intention is to disrupt your happiness, under the guise of packs of lies they intend to tell.

CPK Guy has greeted me with a hug (and tug of my hand) each time we've met. So I've already figured him out. The question is, how long do I continue on with this?

See the thing about women is that, some times we let some men touch us, because we fear, that other men have touched us right!

Until.

A few months ago I was catching up with a cousin of mine that I hadn't spoken with in at least of year. At some point in our conversation, he cut me off and asked me, "are you happy?" I'm thinking to myself, what kinda question is that? And what the hell kinda vibe am I giving off that he thinks I might not be happy? But I couldn't really answer his question. Truth is I was as puzzled. "I'm trying to be." I replied after what seemed like moments of silence. At this point in my life there were/are multiple reasons for not being at happy. Everything from career woes, invisible dollars, to cramped quarters, to my relationship rigmarole, and everything in between. After being stumped by my own reply, I wished he'd given me a solution to my dilemma, but he didn't.

One of my favorite books of all time is In the Spirit, by Susan Taylor. I love this book, and read and know it like most people know The Bible. The first time I read it, the words seemed to speak truth to me. She has this passage in it that's so powerful, I memorized it the first time I read it! It goes, "We can't experience the love that we crave when we are angry or holding grudges. Bitterness blocks love's flow. And eats away at the host. A thought that helps me not to be resentful of anyone who hurts or disrespects me is that people can only be who they are. Expecting them to be who we want them to be, or to operate beyond their level of understanding and development, is an exercise in frustration for us and is unfair to them. We'd best accept folks as they are, or let them grow on without us."(p.13) I try daily to remember and practice that.

All of this ties together, believe me. Trying to get happy, and my non-negotiables for dating. The one thing I know is that you can't expect another person to bring you happiness (you've got to already be at that point by yourself). I also know that failing to follow my own prescription for healthy and happy dating life will (as it should) result in disaster. The bottom line is you can't get what you want if you don't know what it is. At this point I'm not sure what "it" (happiness) should look like for me.

So in an attempt to "get right" I've picked up my personal life road map, and I'm back on the journey towards happiness! Or at least trying to be! I've definitely realized that happiness can't be found at the end of some long process or trial. Happiness must be found in all the stumbles along the way. I've also realized that unlike India Arie, maybe I'm not "Ready for Love."

Until.