A friend of mine pointed out that I tend to be able to find any life connection to SATC. Okay, I admit it. She’s right. I confess. When I’m feeling low, and lost, and a little dejected—especially when it comes to relationships (or relations), I pull out one of my SATC dvds or select an episode to view on HBO OnDemand! Believe me, there’s a method to my madness! There’s never been a better relationship guide for women.
SATC is like the I Ching for women old enough to pay their own rent. Its like that scene in You’ve Got Mail (which I LOVE, bytheway) when after Meg Ryan hears two different men quote The Godfather (another staple in my life—I own the box set, thank you), when giving her advice, she asks, “What’s with men and ‘The Godfather’?” Tom Hanks’ response, “The Godfather is like the I Ching. The Godfather is the sum of all wisdom. The Godfather is the answer to any question. What do should I pack for my summer vacation? ‘Leave the gun, take the cannoli.’ What day of the week is it? ‘Maunday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday.’”
Anyway, I had a conversation this week with a friend of mine about relationships—what a surprise! As usual, I would have to I call on my I Ching for wisdom. We discussed how it seems that some people live these wonderful lives of nothing but happiness, while others of us seem to know only chaos and pain. I reminded her that we should never compare ourselves to anyone else, because we don’t know what their journey is about. I freely admit that I’ve had a moment or two when I’ve wondered what I’d done to deserve the inextricable heartache—or heartbreak that I was drowning in. Why didn’t I deserve to be happy? I remember a few years ago a friend of mine told me, “it was never meant to work with any of those guys—that’s why it didn’t. That’s why it came to an end—for no other reason. None of them was your soulmate.” She said with confidence.
There’s that word again, soulmate! I swear it haunts me. Sometimes I believe it to be an illusive, but tangible figure who’s just around the corner. Then there are times when I’m sure that this soulmate person is just an urban legend! I’ve thought for a moment (as my friend confided she’s also), considered lowering a standard or two, believing that maybe we’d set them too him for any real man to reach. Back to my conversation this week. My friend told me that an Ex of hers recently looked her up (after a few years, some cheating, and mad drama). He told her that he thought he’d made a mistake (when he screwed her over), and that he didn’t feel like his wife was his soulmate.
What? Why do we even have to hear crap like that? What’s the purpose? Should my friend now be questioning if this cheater is her soulmate? Or should she just let it go? Maybe that moment has passed. I wasn’t much help with this topic, I’ve got issues of my own! All I know is I can count the number of happy couples I know on one hand. By happy I mean a relationship that appears (from the outside world) to be one of pure love and reciprocity. I can also think of an abundance of couples that seem way out of balance, really not for me. From the outside, I see compromises that I wouldn’t be comfortable making in my relationship—but who am I to judge.
My friend & I both agreed that what works for some doesn’t work for others. Maybe Carrie said it best when she said, “When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less. Than butterflies...”
I’ve always adored the butterfly.
Until.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Saturday, November 18, 2006
I think of the SATC episode when in an attempt to salvage their relationship which hangs on by a mere thread, Carrie and Burger have made up this thing they call their Hollywood kiss. He’s supposed to grab her and throw her back off her feet in a deep passionate “old Hollywood” movie kiss. This movie moment-is the “bit” they do when they’re being “pissy” with each other.
We could all use some magic movie moments in our lives from time to time. I can remember the beginning of a relationship that began like a scene from a romantic comedy, it ended—like something else (but that’s another post for another day)!
Anyway, picture this, it’s a fall day—lots of colorful leaves on the ground and trees. The ground is damp, because it rained the night before. It’s about 10am and I’m walking through Central Park (hey, I just realized I’ve met a few men there—anyway). It’s a weekday—but I didn’t go in to work that day—had some drama w/my truck so I’m on my way home after handling that. Not my cutest day, but I’m dressed in jeans, a hoodie, and my down vest, but my hair is cute—just coincidence though. Anyway, I’m headed home when a tall, chocolate, muscular man with dreads passes. I must confess I have an affinity for this type of man. So of course, he catches my eye and we exchange “goodmornings” as we pass. But since he was so damn cute (and had perfect white teeth), I look back after I pass him and low and behold, he’s looking back at me!!! With a smile, he asks if he could speak to me for a moment, then walks over to me after my coy response, “sure.” He goes on to say that I was “very pretty” and that, “something about your spirit caught me this morning.” Nice right? Yea, well, long story short, after a few more minutes he had the digits. That was a nice day. We even had a movie-like first date at The Bronx Zoo. Anyway, I say all this to say that moments like this are pleasant; they make us feel good, even if they are only temporary.
There are also those movie moments which aren’t so nice, but they still happen to us all the same. It’s the times when, if life was really like a movie, dark and twisted music would play, as a signal that change has arrived. It’s the Aha! moment when the tragic heroine or flawed protagonist looks at this other character, and for the first time, she really sees him as he is. She wasn’t blind before—this isn’t a Helen Keller movie. She’d just convinced herself that things weren’t as they always seemed. She found reasons to explain why he’d done things that he’d done. At this juncture in the film she realizes that, at that moment, he isn’t who she needs him to be. She’s known him for years—but then finally sees him and his intentions with clarity for the first time. She doesn’t blame him though. And she no longer has the strength to be angry, but she’s an ounce wiser thanks to her pain. In the next scene we’d hope that the flawed protagonist gets to walk away before her tears become apparent to this man. Don’t get confused. This character, this man, isn’t the antagonist (or antihero, who wants to bring about the destruction of the protagonist or her wants), although she may feel that at this moment. This man is just a character, like many, in the story of her life.
How many of us are really the protagonist in our own life stories? Are we really the main character in the story of our lives, or are we just extras? How often are we really advocating for our own happiness? Are we really using every occasion to live our best lives? Are we taking opportunities to extend that movie moment, and make it into that happy ending we know we deserve? Or are we playing the role of antagonist in our own lives? Are we constantly in opposition of what we want and deserve? I’ve realized that if you’re leading/living a life of fiction, you can be both the protagonist and antagonist in the story of your life.
Just my thoughts.
Until.
We could all use some magic movie moments in our lives from time to time. I can remember the beginning of a relationship that began like a scene from a romantic comedy, it ended—like something else (but that’s another post for another day)!
Anyway, picture this, it’s a fall day—lots of colorful leaves on the ground and trees. The ground is damp, because it rained the night before. It’s about 10am and I’m walking through Central Park (hey, I just realized I’ve met a few men there—anyway). It’s a weekday—but I didn’t go in to work that day—had some drama w/my truck so I’m on my way home after handling that. Not my cutest day, but I’m dressed in jeans, a hoodie, and my down vest, but my hair is cute—just coincidence though. Anyway, I’m headed home when a tall, chocolate, muscular man with dreads passes. I must confess I have an affinity for this type of man. So of course, he catches my eye and we exchange “goodmornings” as we pass. But since he was so damn cute (and had perfect white teeth), I look back after I pass him and low and behold, he’s looking back at me!!! With a smile, he asks if he could speak to me for a moment, then walks over to me after my coy response, “sure.” He goes on to say that I was “very pretty” and that, “something about your spirit caught me this morning.” Nice right? Yea, well, long story short, after a few more minutes he had the digits. That was a nice day. We even had a movie-like first date at The Bronx Zoo. Anyway, I say all this to say that moments like this are pleasant; they make us feel good, even if they are only temporary.
There are also those movie moments which aren’t so nice, but they still happen to us all the same. It’s the times when, if life was really like a movie, dark and twisted music would play, as a signal that change has arrived. It’s the Aha! moment when the tragic heroine or flawed protagonist looks at this other character, and for the first time, she really sees him as he is. She wasn’t blind before—this isn’t a Helen Keller movie. She’d just convinced herself that things weren’t as they always seemed. She found reasons to explain why he’d done things that he’d done. At this juncture in the film she realizes that, at that moment, he isn’t who she needs him to be. She’s known him for years—but then finally sees him and his intentions with clarity for the first time. She doesn’t blame him though. And she no longer has the strength to be angry, but she’s an ounce wiser thanks to her pain. In the next scene we’d hope that the flawed protagonist gets to walk away before her tears become apparent to this man. Don’t get confused. This character, this man, isn’t the antagonist (or antihero, who wants to bring about the destruction of the protagonist or her wants), although she may feel that at this moment. This man is just a character, like many, in the story of her life.
How many of us are really the protagonist in our own life stories? Are we really the main character in the story of our lives, or are we just extras? How often are we really advocating for our own happiness? Are we really using every occasion to live our best lives? Are we taking opportunities to extend that movie moment, and make it into that happy ending we know we deserve? Or are we playing the role of antagonist in our own lives? Are we constantly in opposition of what we want and deserve? I’ve realized that if you’re leading/living a life of fiction, you can be both the protagonist and antagonist in the story of your life.
Just my thoughts.
Until.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
A few days ago, I heard from a friend that I hadn’t spoken to in quite a few months. I had my own suspicions as to what was going on, but that’s me, and it’s cause I know her. It was a conversation long overdue, for both of us. But in the end, it felt good to catch up with my sister, who’d been absent for a while. Sometimes we need that.
As I spoke to my friend I thought of all the transitions that we’d been through (together), as friends. We (my small group of compadres) have supported each other during some shit, for real! We’ve been there through terminal illnesses, pregnancies, academic accomplishments, career failures. We’ve buried-children, parents, siblings and friends. We’ve nursed parents; we’ve been married and divorced, dealt with issues of mental health and physical impairments. We’ve dealt with legal woes and empty pockets. We’ve met new loves and tended to broken hearts-all the while, together.
I’m reminded of the episode of SATC when it’s the question of Soulmates. It’s Carrie’s 35th birthday and due to a series of mishaps everyone who was invited for her birthday dinner turns out to be extremely late—leaving Carrie to sit at the table alone (a table for 10) for quite sometime, until she decides to leave, after having to pay for her own birthday cake. Later with the girls (and a few tears later), “Carrie admits that while she was sitting alone at the table, she felt sad that she was 35 and had no special man in her life.” Recognizing that so many times it’s our girlfriends that carry us through when we feel as though we can’t even crawl, Charlotte offers support by suggesting that they be each other’s soulmates, and that men could just be in their lives for fun.
I can recall a birthday (or 2) when I’ve had that Carrie moment. When the absence of those I deemed as important made me feel as though I was alone, without anyone who loved me—or who would miss me. Hell, I can recall an average day, when I’ve had that Carrie moment, even recently.
We all know the importance of our “girl council” they know us best and have seen us at our worst, that’s why they can call the outcome of a “relationship” long before the first argument or kiss. It’s the reason we often avoid them, when things seem to be going well (it’s that fear of the truth in our face). It’s also the reason we make our nu mates available to them when we want it to be right—we know they’ll identify the makings or demise of our relationships. Even though the decisions are ultimately ours, what they think (whether we decide to take their advice at the moment or not) weighs heavily upon us.
I think of what a friend said after meeting a potential suitor (or at least in her eyes) of mine—“He plays well with others. You can take him out and he won’t embarrass you. And we all like him.” Although that didn’t necessarily translate into the green light for him, it definitely made me reevaluate my relationship with him—I could see the possibilities. And sometimes, it’s the possibilities that keep us afloat.
The saying goes, “heartbreak is life educating us.” As we know, it’s been our girlfriends that have extricated us from our misery when the lessons have been particularly hard.
To my girls, my sisters, I say, thank you!
Until.
As I spoke to my friend I thought of all the transitions that we’d been through (together), as friends. We (my small group of compadres) have supported each other during some shit, for real! We’ve been there through terminal illnesses, pregnancies, academic accomplishments, career failures. We’ve buried-children, parents, siblings and friends. We’ve nursed parents; we’ve been married and divorced, dealt with issues of mental health and physical impairments. We’ve dealt with legal woes and empty pockets. We’ve met new loves and tended to broken hearts-all the while, together.
I’m reminded of the episode of SATC when it’s the question of Soulmates. It’s Carrie’s 35th birthday and due to a series of mishaps everyone who was invited for her birthday dinner turns out to be extremely late—leaving Carrie to sit at the table alone (a table for 10) for quite sometime, until she decides to leave, after having to pay for her own birthday cake. Later with the girls (and a few tears later), “Carrie admits that while she was sitting alone at the table, she felt sad that she was 35 and had no special man in her life.” Recognizing that so many times it’s our girlfriends that carry us through when we feel as though we can’t even crawl, Charlotte offers support by suggesting that they be each other’s soulmates, and that men could just be in their lives for fun.
I can recall a birthday (or 2) when I’ve had that Carrie moment. When the absence of those I deemed as important made me feel as though I was alone, without anyone who loved me—or who would miss me. Hell, I can recall an average day, when I’ve had that Carrie moment, even recently.
We all know the importance of our “girl council” they know us best and have seen us at our worst, that’s why they can call the outcome of a “relationship” long before the first argument or kiss. It’s the reason we often avoid them, when things seem to be going well (it’s that fear of the truth in our face). It’s also the reason we make our nu mates available to them when we want it to be right—we know they’ll identify the makings or demise of our relationships. Even though the decisions are ultimately ours, what they think (whether we decide to take their advice at the moment or not) weighs heavily upon us.
I think of what a friend said after meeting a potential suitor (or at least in her eyes) of mine—“He plays well with others. You can take him out and he won’t embarrass you. And we all like him.” Although that didn’t necessarily translate into the green light for him, it definitely made me reevaluate my relationship with him—I could see the possibilities. And sometimes, it’s the possibilities that keep us afloat.
The saying goes, “heartbreak is life educating us.” As we know, it’s been our girlfriends that have extricated us from our misery when the lessons have been particularly hard.
To my girls, my sisters, I say, thank you!
Until.
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